People who have difficulty saying no often think, 'I’m a people pleaser'. In reality, other forces are at work. We are born with a complete mastery at saying no. Just look at a toddler.

Over time, however, we learn that saying no can get us in trouble, so we think twice. So much so, that some will bend over backwards and get burned out before they can say, 'enough is enough'.

No matter where you are on the 'saying no' spectrum, here’s how to politely say no at work, to a date, to an invitation, and anywhere else.

# 1 The Rationalised No

This type of no is brief and includes the magic word 'because'. For example, 'I can’t take on this task today, because I have to deliver project X by end of day.' or 'I can’t come for lunch because I have a doctor’s appointment'. According to research, adding 'because' and a legitimate reason significantly increases compliance.

When to use it?

This is the path of least resistance. The rationalised no is the ideal way to say no professionally or when dealing with friends who are on the sensitive side.

# 2 The Considerate No

Now, let's look at another assertive way of saying no. The considerate no acknowledges the other person’s feelings and ends with an assertive refusal without the need for an apology. For example, 'I know you want to talk about organising a team building event, but I can’t do it today' or 'I know you are looking forward to going to the gym together, but I can’t make it after all.'

When to use it?

The considerate no works among friends and colleagues, it’s polite yet firm.

# 3 The Raincheck No

This is actually not a definitive no, but a way of saying “not now”. For example, 'I can’t do dinner this weekend, but how about next one?'. If you want to say no in the workplace, go for 'I can’t get back to your request this week, but I will look into this first thing Monday morning.'

When to use it?

Only when you mean it. People remember and nobody likes feeling ignored.

# 4 The Probing No

As with the raincheck no, this is not definitive either. Use it when you want to look for alternatives. For example, 'I can’t take care of this task this week. Is there anybody else who can help you or are you ok waiting until next week?' or 'I don’t like karaoke, how about we go to stand-up comedy instead?'

When to use it?

The probing no is ideal when you genuinely care to either help find a solution or join them. Avoid the temptation to use it to appear nice, because people can pick up on it and you’ll lose their trust.

# 5 The Firm No

Assertive, and unwavering. No explanation required. Just keep refusing. Ideal way of rejecting unwanted advances from overly persistent salespeople. For example:

Them: 'You absolutely have to try this.'

You: 'I’m not interested. Thank you.'

Them:'You can’t miss out. It will only take 10 minutes of your time.'

You: 'I’m not interested.'

Them: 'But you can’t say no to this offer.'

You:'I’m not interested.'

When to use it?

When somebody is being annoyingly pushy.

# 6 The Apologising No

Last but not least, the apologizing no. It is the least confrontational one and is the first type of no those with strong people-pleasing tendencies tend to resort to. For example, 'I’m afraid I don’t feel well and I can’t make it to your party. I’m so sorry.'

When to use it?

This is the best way to start saying no when you are new to the sport and still feel guilty about it. It might not be the strongest way to do it, but at the end of the day, no matter which “no” you end up using, the only thing that matters is that you find a way to say it.

EFT Tapping to Learn to Say No

Here’s a real client story. When Kate came to me for therapy, she was a 30-year-old young professional, a chronic people pleaser with a panicked face at the mere thought of going to the office. Besides being a marketing executive, she felt she was serving as an unpaid therapist to everybody looking for a sympathetic ear at work.

The result was constant anxiety about meeting deadlines as her work kept getting interrupted by non-work-related chit-chats she would love to avoid, just didn’t know how.

She only managed to say no to a colleague once and it was not a pretty picture. The person was going through some serious personal troubles and needed professional help. Instead, they texted Kate non-stop in the after hours. Kate kept being sympathetic until she reached her breaking point and blurted out “I can’t do this anymore. You need to sort yourself out”.

The colleague in distress felt so offended that she never spoke to her again. The atmosphere got difficult, Kate felt embarrassed and went back to the nice girl version of herself that says yes to everything.

After 2 tapping sessions, Kate managed to gracefully refuse to participate in any personal chit-chat until her weekly deadlines were met. After the third session, she found the courage to apologetically postpone a meet-up with a friend because she felt unwell.

After the fourth session she unapologetically demanded a room upgrade during vacations when the room she was given was visibly dirty. As her 'say no' muscle got stronger, her life was getting less stressful. Hope had returned!

The truth is, I didn't teach her of the above say-no-techniques. We simply went back to the most memorable childhood memories where saying no got her in trouble, we tapped the fear out of her body, and once the negative emotions were de-sensitised, saying no started to happen naturally.

The Number 1 Myth about Setting Boundaries

Setting boundaries is a buzzword in self-development and therapy settings but can often be misleading. Boundaries are typically needed when you want to stop an already established behaviour, i.e. something that you’ve been tolerating for a while and you simply can’t take anymore.

What if I told you forget about boundaries? The real deal is learning to say no effortlessly when needed. Once you are there, setting boundaries will be a thing of the past for you.

Get better at saying no. It will save you from tons of unnecessary stress and resentment. If you need help, reach out for a free discovery call here and we’ll figure it out together.