Uncovering the Truth About Loneliness: 4 Surprising Facts Nobody Told You

Science shows that loneliness has consequences far beyond the aching in the pit of your stomach and can be as deadly as smoking. However, not everybody is affected equally. Are men or women more prone to loneliness? Does race play a role? What happens during school years that makes us bulletproof to feeling alone? What are the best ways to deal with loneliness and when should you ask for help? Let’s find out.

1. Loneliness is Linked with Higher Levels of Cortisol 

Loneliness is often seen as a sign of weakness or self-pity. Since it's not a physical ailment, we are expected to be able to overcome it. But science begs to disagree. Loneliness is not just an emotion to get over with. It can actually predict the levels of stress in your body.

According to PubMed research, feelings of loneliness and sadness on a certain day increase your cortisol levels by 30% the next morning. But not everybody is affected equally. Women have a bigger stress response than men, and Hispanics and people who identified as “Other race” exhibited less loneliness-induced cortisol than their Caucasian counterparts.

2. Feeling Lonely Hits Hard after School

Regardless of the country you grew up in, a massive change happens in your twenties that nobody prepares you for. During school years, you are surrounded by people your age and your circle of friends is at the same stage of life as you.

School years teach us the illusion we'll always be surrounded by friends

After university, the great scattering occurs. People move cities and change jobs, some get married and have children, others fall in and out of love. Friendship transitiona from a group sport to an individual one, and that’s when the fear of being alone begins to surface.

If you don’t recognize this as a natural change in life dynamics, it’s easy to feel lonely and think it’s your fault. Our childhood trains us to believe that friendship is easy and our friends will always be around. However, finding like-minded people and a sense of belonging in adult years is an ongoing challenge.

3. Loneliness in Marriage Affects ca. 40% of the People

Intimate relationships are meant to buffer against loneliness, but not all married people are protected from it. According to a US study, 20% of wives and 24% of husbands report feeling lonely.

Feeling alone in a relationship or marriage can be even more distressing than the loneliness experienced by single people because it goes against expectations and often leads to depression.

Loneliness in a relationship hits harder because it's against our expectations

4. Overcoming Loneliness & Coping with Loneliness are Different Ball Games

The feeling of loneliness can be a temporary phase, such as during motherhood, unemployment, a move to a new city. Or it can be a chronic issue, such as finding it difficult to make friends or have an intimate relationship.

In the first case scenario, you need good coping strategies to get you through the phase. Small steps is all it takes here. You cope by adding moments of connection until the phase is over.

• Say hi to a neighbour

• Chat with the receptionist at the gym

• Call old friends

However, if you have a constant sense of  “I’m so lonely” in life, coping strategies are not enough. What you need is to overcome a behaviour pattern that creates feelings of social isolation, which can feel true even if you are surrounded by people at times. There are probably strong feelings of not belonging and deep sadness involved that you are better off combating with the help of one-to-one therapy. You don’t have to go it alone.

And even if feeling alone is not an issue for you, don’t miss out on the goodness that comes from connecting with people you care about or once shared life with.

Text that friend you’ve not seen in a while, call the aunty you’ve been thinking about. You don’t need a special reason. It will brighten both your day and theirs!